My fellow Americans, gathered Representatives, Senators and Supreme Court Justices, Mr. Speaker and Mr. Vice President I come to speak to you from the people’s House. I speak to you about the state of our country, its struggles and its future endeavors and most importantly acknowledge my failures.
For six years I have blamed my predecessor for this country’s economic ills. Not a day has gone by I don’t thank him for being my punching bag. When I became President well over 65% of all working age adults were in the workforce. Today that number is 63%, the lowest since pre-WWII levels. The youth unemployment rate for 16-19 year olds sits at 20.2% while 20-24 year old unemployment is at 11.1%. Under my watch household income has shrunk while I have cozied up to the insurance companies and big banks to ensure I have a ready-made talking point about solving inequality. Despite the overall unemployment sitting at 6.7%, unemployment in minority communities is at an all-time high while white unemployment has barely nudged down from where it was when I became President. The unemployment rate for those looking for full-time work is well over double-digits.
On Healthcare I have ensured the US Healthcare system is an utter disaster. Under my watch over five million people have lost their insurance while the majority of enrollees to Obamacare are Medicaid enrollees. Though I promised that young people would sign up for Healthcare plans under the exchanges a mere 20% of all exchange enrollees are the young. In fact I fudged the numbers to include those that have only shopped for an insurance plan (not even bought it yet). I promised the program would run smoothly and efficiently but I guess I over-promised. Sorry. I should have guessed that going against public opinion, ignoring the ideas of the other party and mandating dozens of new taxes, laws and Constitutional violations would not go well. Whoops!
On education I have ensured that many minority children in DC do not have access to a quality education in accredited charter schools. I closed down the city’s charter school system which many city residents supported. The result being that DC test results have dropped dramatically. I am also ensuring that children in urban New Orleans do not have the same opportunity as my Attorney General has sued Louisiana for actually wanting to educate its kids. Nationally, I have repackaged the No Child Left Behind Act under my own name and thrown some grants into the mix for fun. Today, little has changed except states are now revolting against my top down NCLB replacement, Race to the Top. I believe pre-K education should be offered to every kid in America but I have no idea how to pay for it. Lastly, I have done nothing to address the rising costs of college education or work with schools to find ways to address student debt.
On the deficit and spending I would have created a nightmare scenario for our country if not for the GOP. After opposing my Stimulus Package in 2009 which added billions to the baseline budget, the Sequester in 2011 and the budget shutdown of 2013 a few months ago, spending levels have been brought back to FY 2008 levels. All this while I did everything in my power to attack them for hating kids, women and seniors. Nice job guys! Under my Presidency the deficit has grown far faster than any other President. Despite polls showing the public supporting entitlement reform and simplifying the tax code I refuse to support entitlement reform. Meanwhile, I have allowed the IRS to pass hundreds of new rules and regulations as well as illegally target conservative groups.
On energy I have blocked the Keystone Pipeline to make my union and environmentalist buddies happy. I wonder why the Canadian Prime Minister is mad? I have ordered the EPA to wage a war on coal so that energy costs skyrocket. I have instructed the Department of Energy to hand out subsidies to failed companies like Solyndra and distorted the free market by offering massive tax rebates for those that buy electric cars. Hmm, I wonder why they are still expensive today?
Now onto the challenges we face today. Many challenges await us: income inequality, combating terrorism, protecting the middle class and ensuring a strong economy. Well, all I can say is that you can put your faith in government. I mean, didn’t you see the Life of Julie documentary that was put out showing how the government can take care of women? Just trust us, after all we have done such a bang up job on the economy and Healthcare. Oh, I should mention this though, I plan to use the power of this office to further ignore the views of Americans and bypass Congress (you guys don’t matter anyways if you don’t agree with me).
So in closing I want to say thank you to the American public for not listening to me ramble for 65 minutes, (even I would not want to listen to me talk for that long) reelecting me after I turned my opponent into the second coming of the devil and for giving me another term. I mean how else can I ensure that the government will meddle in your affairs while my party and I get votes by simply saying the GOP “hates women.”
So my fellow Americans thank you again for listening. I know I didn’t listen to you in 2009 and 2010, did not last year and will not for the rest of my term but I am cooler than you so all is good. Here I have laid out a vision for how to make our country great with more government, more spending and policies that damage the economy and deny kids a good education. I hope you join with me and help me implement this government centered agenda. Thank you and God bless America!